The Ten Commandments: The Fifth Commandment

THE DECALOGUE:
A SUMMARY OF GOD'S PRECEPTS FOR GOD'S PEOPLE

The Fifth Commandment:
On Family (Exod 20:12)
pdf
Dr. Paul Manuel—2006

(There are different divisions of the Commandments in different traditions: In Protestantism (for the most part), v. 2 is the introduction and v. 3 is the first command. In Judaism, vv. 2-3 together are the first command. In Roman Catholicism and Lutheranism, vv. 2-6 are the first command, and v. 17 contains two commands. This study follows the primary Protestant division, recognizing that v. 2 is declarative and v. 3 contains the first imperative.)

God has set us in families so that, having entered the world, we will have the guidance necessary to understand how we should live in the world. He has also
given us His word to teach us, although our understanding of that may be slightly different from what He intends.

A third-grade SS class was reviewing the Ten Commandments. The teacher asked Johnny, "If your mother told your brother not to pull the dog's tail, but he did it anyway, which commandment would he be breaking?" Johnny thought a bit. Obviously the teacher expected him to know the answer. Then it dawned on him. "I don't know the number," Johnny answered, "but it says... 'What God has joined together let no man pull apart."

God has set us in families and has given parents the task of providing guidance for their children. In turn, He expects those children to follow their parents' direction, as He indicates in the fifth commandment of the Decalogue, On Family.

During the final years of Israel's sojourn in Egypt, Pharaoh's enslavement of the population and his policy of male infanticide put a great strain on the family, causing alarm in many households.¹ Some people probably wondered if the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob had forgotten them.² The Lord's protection of the family during the final plague, which affected firstborn males, and the people's miraculous release from Egypt, assured them that He had not forgotten them. Several weeks later, when they reach Sinai and God establishes His covenant with them, He affirms His concern for their home life with specific provisions, one of which even appears in the ten-precept summary.³

I mentioned before that the fourth commandment, On Tranquility, is one of the few in this list that God words positively, as something His people should actively pursue rather than something they should carefully avoid. The fifth commandment, On Family, is the only other one that is "thou shalt" rather than "thou shalt not."⁴ Please turn to...

Exod 20:12 Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

Deut 5:16 Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

Here...

I. God assigns children a responsibility.

• They must respect their parents.

The phrasing of this command is very general. Without getting into specifics, God simply says "honor" them.⁵ The Hebrew word has the connotation of weight, not in the sense of being a burden but of being important. To honor one's parents means to regard them as significant; hence, to respect them.⁶

The primary way children honor their parents is by obeying them. Citing this command, Paul says...⁷

Eph 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2a [As it is written] "Honor your father and mother"

The audience for Paul's letter, as it is for the command in Exodus, is a godly family, where the parents will not require something from their children that is contrary to the Lord's will and where obeying parents is tantamount to obeying God.⁸ This is what He expects from children, so the question for them this morning is: Do you obey your parents, or do you often give them a hard time? God looks at how well you listen to them, because that shows how well you listen to Him.⁹

Obeying one's parents is not the only way to honor them.¹⁰ How you address your parents and how you refer to them when speaking to others indicates what you think about them. For example, "dear old dad," may be a term of affection, but "my old man" is disrespectful.

Children are often a source of pride for their parents, as well they should be, but there is a rarely cited proverb that says, "parents are the pride of their children" (Prov 17:6b), at least they should be.¹¹ How you address your parents and how you refer to them when speaking to others indicates what you think about them, including whether you are proud of them or ashamed of them.

We tend to think of this command as pertaining to minor children, those still under the care of their parents. When God issues His instructions at Sinai, though, including the Ten Commandments, He is addressing adults.¹² In other words, the people God first tells to honor their parents are grown children.¹³

The general expectation of honoring your parents does not change after you become an adult—this command does not expire with age—but the particular expression of honoring your parents does change. When you are young, you must obey your parents, and obedience is often the most obvious way you can honor them. As you grow older and assume more responsibility for your own actions, especially after you leave home,¹⁴ you honor them in other ways....

• Honoring your parents means that you make wise choices.¹⁵

Prov 10: lb A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son [brings] grief to his mother.

Some decisions are more important than others, and some decisions have more extended consequences. For example, making good choices includes choosing good companions, and parents care about the company you keep, because choosing good friends can help you to make other wise choices, and making wise choices honors your parents.¹⁶

• Honoring your parents means that you heed their counsel. 

Prov 23:22 Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.

Heeding their counsel requires keeping in contact with them. Parents care about the decisions you face, and their greater life experience can often provide a helpful perspective. Heeding their counsel honors your parents.

• Honoring your parents means that you prove your concern.

Some Pharisees in Jesus' day ignored this last responsibility. Unwilling to deplete their savings to help their needy parents,¹⁷ they invoked a provision in the law that allowed for deferred-giving to the temple. They pledged to give the money at a future date but retained control of the money until then. This enabled them to use the money whenever they needed (or wanted) it and to claim the money was not theirs when their parents needed it. Jesus condemns this legal loophole as a violation of the fifth commandment.¹⁸

Mark 7:9 . . . he said to them: "You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions! 10 For Moses said, 'Honor your father and your mother,' and, 'Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.¹⁹ 11 But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: 'Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is Corban' ([the Hebrew word for offering, that is] a gift devoted to God), 12 then you no longer [expect] him do anything for his father or mother. 13a Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down." [= Matt 15:3-61

When your parents are in need, you honor them by helping them.

While God directs this fifth commandment to Israel, as He does the other precepts on this list, it is not something He expects only from Israel. Other people—long before the revelation at Sinai—realized the importance of honoring one's parents. The book of Genesis, for example, contains several instances that distinguish the right and wrong way for children to behave and that demonstrate a general recognition of this principle long before God gave this command to Israel (see n. 3).

• Shem and Japheth knew the importance of honoring their father Noah, even when Ham, his other son, did not. We read in...

Gen 9:20 Noah, a man of the soil, proceeded to plant a vineyard. 21 When he drank some of its wine, he became drunk and lay uncovered inside his tent. 22 Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father's nakedness and told his two brothers outside. 23 But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it across their shoulders; then they walked in backward and covered their father's nakedness. Their faces were turned the other way so that they would not see their father's nakedness. 24 When Noah awoke from his wine and found out what his youngest son had done to him, 25 he said, "Cursed be Canaan! The lowest of slaves will he be to his brothers." 26 He also said, "Blessed be the LORD, the God of Shem! May Canaan be the slave of Shem. 27 May God extend the territory of Japheth; may Japheth live in the tents of Shem, and may Canaan be his slave."

Shem and Japheth, unlike Ham, honored their father.

• Jacob knew the importance of honoring his parents Isaac and Rebekah, even when Esau, their other son, did not. We read in...

Gen 28:1 Isaac called for Jacob ... and commanded him: "Do not marry a Canaanite woman. 2 Go at once to Paddan Aram.... Take a wife for yourself there, from among the daughters of Laban, you!- mother's brother.... 6 Now Esau learned that Isaac.. .commanded him, "Do not marry a Canaanite woman," 7 and that Jacob had obeyed his father and mother and had gone to Paddan Aram. 8 Esau then realized how displeasing the Canaanite women were to his father Isaac; 9 so he... married Mahalath, the I Canaanite l ... daughter of Ishmael....

Jacob, unlike Esau, honored his parents.

Seeing to their parents' funeral is one of the final ways children have to honor them. Even siblings who did not always get along with each other set aside their differences to pay their last respects.

• Isaac and Ishmael knew the importance of honoring their father Abraham after his death. We read in...

Gen 25:8a .. Abraham breathed his last and.... 9a His sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him...

• Jacob and Esau knew the importance of honoring their father Isaac after his death. We read in...

Gen 35:29 I Isaac l breathed his last.... And his sons Esau and Jacob buried him.

• Joseph and his brothers knew the importance of honoring their father Jacob after his death. We read in...

Gen 49:33 . . . Jacob... breathed his last....

Gen 50:12 [And his twelve] Sons did as he had commanded them: 13a They carried him to the land of Canaan and buried him....

In each case, the biblical author records how these family members, once at odds with one another, set aside their differences to honor their parents.

It is, of course, easier to honor parents who are themselves honorable. Alas, parents do not always live up to the role God has given them, and we will consider that next time. This week, though, be conscious of the opportunities He gives you to heed the fifth commandment On Family.

Part 2

When people speak to us, what we hear is not always what they said. Their words may be indistinct, or we may not be paying careful attention. Sometimes, we ask them to repeat it. Other times, especially when we understand most of it, our minds simply fill in the missing part.

Two young brothers, Jacob and Joshua, were playing outside. Their mother had finally managed to get them both ready for church and was about to get ready herself. She told the boys they could play but they were not to get dirty. When their ball rolled down by the muddy creek, Jacob, the older, told Joshua, the younger, to get the ball. Joshua, remembering their mother's instruction, was hesitant. His brother assured him, "If you get dirty, I'll brush you off, and Mom will never know." When Joshua still seemed undecided, Jacob recalled a SS lesson on the Ten Commandments. "It's okay. God says, 'Humor your father and mother." (Adapted from Samra 1997:28; Streiker 1998:72)

What we hear is not always what others say. God wanted His people to hear and to heed the instructions He gave at Sinai, including His commandment On Family.

While many of God's commands govern how His people should relate to Him, many also dictate how they should relate to each other. These precepts establish a social order that governs the behavior of various elements: from kings to soldiers, from priests to farmers. At the core of this social order lies the family, and the Lord issues guidelines for that element as well. In this summary of God's precepts, He addresses the relationship between parents and children. Please turn to...

Exod 20:12 Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

Here...

I. God assigns children a responsibility. 

• They must respect their parents.

This word "honor" has several implications, but the primary way children honor their parents is by obeying them. As Paul writes to the church in Ephesus,

Eph 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2a [As it is written] "Honor your father and mother"

The obvious question for children here is: Do you obey your parents, or do you often give them a hard time? God looks at how well you listen to them, because that shows how well you listen to Him.

This command is not just for minor children, because when God issues these instructions, He is addressing adults. In other words, the people God first tells to honor their parents are grown children.

The general expectation of honoring your parents does not change after you become an adult—this command does not expire with age—but the particular expression of honoring your parents does change. When you are young, obedience is often the most obvious way you can honor them. As you grow older and assume more responsibility for your own actions, especially after you leave home, you honor them in other ways....

• Honoring your parents means that you make wise choices, such as choosing good friends.
• Honoring your parents means that you heed their counsel, recognizing the wisdom of their greater life experience.
• Honoring your parents means that you prove your concern, by helping to meet their needs.

While God directs this fifth commandment to Israel, it is not something He expects only from Israel. Other people—long before the revelation at Sinai—realized the importance of honoring one's parents.

• Shem and Japheth knew the importance of honoring their father Noah, even when Ham, his other son, did not.
• Jacob knew the importance of honoring his parents Isaac and Rebekah, even when Esau, their other son, did not.

Seeing to their parents' funeral is one of the final ways children have to honor them, even for siblings who did not always get along with each other: Isaac and Ishmael, Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers. In each case, these family members set aside their differences to honor their parents.

In this fifth commandment, God assigns children a responsibility, but there is more. Along with the admonition to obey their parents...

II. God assures children a reward.

• They will receive His blessing (cf. Deut 5:16).

The apostle Paul observes that an unusual feature of this command, not part of the other commands in this list, is that it comes with special provision for those who keep it.²⁰ Turn to...

Deut 5:16 Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

This precept has perks. Those who obey will receive two benefits from God:²¹

The first benefit, "that [they] may enjoy long life," is not necessarily physical longevity in the sense of growing old, although it may include that.²² It means...

1. He will give them stability.²³

In other words, the changes you experience and the setbacks you encounter will not disrupt or diminish your appreciation of what God consistently provides, which is what enables you to be unflappable and to enjoy long life. If you honor your parents, God will give you stability.

I found this to be true, which might seem contradictory, given that school and ministry have seen us move 28 times in 30 years. That is hardly a sign of stability, especially considering that my parents have spent almost 50 years in the same place. One of the things they valued, though, was having a relationship with God, and I recognized that as important fairly early in life. As a result, while my living situation often changed, my life remained stable because I knew that God does not change, and I experienced the first perk in this passage.

The second benefit, "that it may go well with [them]," is not necessarily material prosperity in the sense of accumulating wealth, although it may include that. It means...

2. He will give them success.

In other words, the work you do and the projects you undertake will be worthwhile; they will accomplish something meaningful for you or for someone else, which is what happens when things goes well with you. If you honor your parents, God will give you success.

I found this to be true, as well. Another of the things my parents valued was education, which was not something I considered important during my time in public school. I did not honor them in this way. As a result, I spent several years afterward working at jobs that paid the bills but were not particularly fulfilling. After I belatedly respected my parents' wishes, by making education something I valued, I experienced the second perk in this passage.

What ideals have your parents attempted to instill in you? ... Their values may be different from my parents' values, and you must, of course, examine any set of values before making them your own. But if the principles they impart are wise and good, then you honor your parents when you adopt their values.²⁴

In the OT, "one of the fruits of children['s] honoring their parents was to provide a solid family structure for the Israelites" (Craigie 1976:159). Today, those involved in our public schools—the teachers among us, as well as the parents of school-age children—are well aware of what happens when that structure, the relationship between parents and children, breaks down. Many of the discipline problems in the classroom, for example, are traceable to an absence of discipline at home. I am not suggesting that all would be well with the world if people only heeded this command, but the situation would certainly be better, because this precept addresses a necessary component to public order—personal responsibility: the responsibility of parents to provide clear and consistent guidelines for their children and the responsibility of children to follow those guidelines. When a home lacks such guidelines, children do not learn proper behavior, and parents cannot expect proper behavior. In such cases, parents often respond in the extreme to misconduct, with an excess of punishment or with an absence of punishment. The consequence for the classroom is that, if a teacher is uncertain whether disciplining an unruly student will receive parental support or encounter parental outrage, his response will probably be indecisive (which is not good for the child), time-consuming (which is not good for the class), and perhaps ineffective (which is not good for the teacher). Without discipline, there is disorder, and God intends this fifth commandment to establish order, in the home and elsewhere.²⁵

As with other commands in this list, the seriousness with which God views honoring one's parents is evident in the penalty He assigns for dishonoring them. While the Hebrew word for honor has the connotation of being weighty, the antonym has the connotation of being weightless, not in the sense of being light but of being unimportant. To dishonor one's parents means to regard them as insignificant, to hold them in contempt.²⁶ In the most damning cases, contempt leads to verbal or physical abuse, both of which entail the same punishment.²⁷ Look at...²⁸

Exod 21:15 Anyone who attacks his father or his mother must be put to death.... 17 [Likewise, a]nyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.

The same penalty applies to children who persistently defy their parents.²⁹ Turn
ahead to...

Deut 21:18 If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, 19 his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. 20 They shall say to the elders, "This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard." 21 Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid.

Dishonoring one's parents does not have the same consequence today—although parents may at times wish the threat, at least, were still available. Nevertheless, the biblical penalty indicates how seriously God views such misbehavior, so children should not take lightly this fifth commandment.

If you want a more positive reason to heed this precept, consider what Paul says
in...

Col 3:20 Children, obey your parents.. .for this pleases the Lord.

Think about that: You can make the most important ones in your life happy by doing the same thing. What a deal!

It is, of course, easier to honor parents who are themselves honorable. Alas, parents do not always live up to the role God has given them. Having a child does not make one a good parent. That job requires more than a biological connection.³⁰ Paul warns fathers...

Eph 6:4 . . . do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Col 3:21 . . . do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

Solomon laments a wife's misbehavior and the debilitating affect such conduct has
at home³¹

Prov 21:19 Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered [woman].

Prov 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Parents, if you want to be honored as the Bible enjoins, then you must be honorable, which means possessing and displaying certain attributes.

• For men (fathers), the chief quality is humility.³²

Prov 29:23b . . . a man of [humble] spirit gains honor.

• For women (mothers), the chief quality is kindness.

Prov 11: 16a A kindhearted woman gains [honor]....

These are characteristics that win the respect of children.

While the onus in many passages is on children, as parents, you also have a responsibility to make sure your expectations are realistic, that your discipline is firm yet fair, not unpredictable or unreasonable.

When parents fail to meet their responsibilities, especially when they mistreat their children, they limit the honor due them. For example, a child may be reluctant to disobey cruel parents, but he will not necessarily speak well of them to others. They will have the honor of his submission but not the honor of his admiration or his appreciation. Likewise, there are parents who abandon or disown their children, or who burden their children with unreasonable and selfish demands. Such parents limit the honor due them.³³ In that case, the most appropriate expression of respect may simply be to refrain from speaking ill of them.

If your parents are no longer present, because they have passed from this life or have withdrawn from your life, God may bring other individuals across your path to fill that role, as He did for Paul, who closes his letter to the Romans with this note...

Rom 16:13 Greet Rufus.. .and his mother, who has been a mother to me, too.

In addition to parents, or in their absence, there are others you must honor as well. Not wanting to stray from the fifth command, I will simply mention some the Bible identifies as also worthy of your respect and how you should demonstrate that respect.³⁴ Of course...

• You should honor God by surrendering physical passions (i.e., your vices). Paul says...

1 Cor 6:20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

• You should honor Jesus by heeding his instructions. He says... 

John 5:22 . . . the Father... has entrusted all judgment to the Son, 23a that all may honor the Son just as they honor the Father.

By the way, there is a bonus for you when you do this, because Jesus says...

John 12:26c My Father will honor the one who serves me.

• You should also honor your elders by appreciating their leadership.³⁵ Paul writes...

1 Tim 5:17 The elders who direct the affairs of the church well are worthy of double honor, especially those whose work is preaching and teaching.

• If you are a husband, you should honor your wife by treating her courteously. Peter writes...

1 Pet 3:7 Husbands... be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with [honor] as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

These individuals also deserve your respect.

The commandment On Family indicates how important this institution is to God. No other group receives this kind of attention in the Decalogue— not royalty, not the military, not the priestly line. While they are all important, it is the family that constitutes the core of Israelite society, and the health of that structure is an indicator of the community's health. The same is true today. The health of our families is an indicator of our community's health. You may not have much affect on other sectors of society, but you can and do influence the strength of your family by the ways you relate to each other. Are you following God's guidance in this matter?

For the Bibliography and Endnotes see the pdf here