"SUBMISSION AND SACRIFICE" (Eph 5:22-33)
Dr. Paul Manuel—2004
(Where "The Groom" and "The Bride" appear below insert the name of the person.)
The apostle Paul writing to the church at Ephesus gives instructions to married couples. His admonition is not always easy to follow, but those who do will find success in a union that is lasting and strong.
The cultural context may play a part in shaping Paul's remarks. In a time and place when arranged marriages were common, and when an older man may have sought permission from the parents of a much younger woman, he may have been more enamored of her than she was of him. Perhaps that is the situation at Ephesus, and that is why the apostle gives different instructions to the husband than he does to the wife. For whatever reason, though, these admonitions are still relevant.
Paul likens the union of a man and woman in marriage to the union of Christ and the church. He says there are two qualities that should characterize both unions, qualities that should be evident on the physical plane even as they are evident on the spiritual plane. They are submission and sacrifice.
Paul says that...
Most of the decisions that affect your life together, you will make together. They will not and dare not be unilateral. If you decide important matters without consulting your partner, you risk hurting your partner. You also risk making the wrong choice. I cannot count the number of decisions—some large, others small—that Linda and I have made, and have made better...wiser because we made them together. On most matters, you will find common ground easily. If you are not in agreement, that may be an indication you should wait until the matter becomes clearer. Occasionally, though, something will arise about which you do not agree or about which you are uncertain but must still decide. In such a case, that responsibility may fall to The Groom. When it does, that will be an opportunity for you, The Bride, to demonstrate your respect for him through submission.
Others would not be able to do that. For them, surrendering control of their life would entail too great a risk. It is not so with you. Apart from the fact that The Groom may not be given to unilateral decisions, the presence of God in your relationship lends stability even in the midst of uncertainty. If you proceed together carefully and prayerfully, God will keep you from making the wrong decision, Submission will then become the way to success in your marriage.
However difficult Paul's admonition to the woman might appear, his charge to the man is equally challenging.
Paul says that...
This is not necessarily taking a bullet for your partner. Rather, it is placing your partner's needs above your own as a matter of course. At the beginning of your relationship, this is easy. In fact, you hardly notice the things you give up or do differently because you are eager to please the other person, which is good. The longer you can maintain that attitude, the better it will be for your marriage.
The time I spend in counseling with couples before the wedding enables me to become better acquainted with both parties. When they come to see me, they know what we will be discussing and, if they have done their homework, they have prepared their answers, which are usually well thought out. In our sessions, I also get a sense of how they interact. What they probably do not realize is that my observations do not end with my closing prayer. For example, one thing I look for when a couple leaves is if the man opens the car door for his fiancée before he gets into the vehicle. The Bride told me that, at the beginning of their relationship together, she would resist his opening a door for her and that she had to work at restraining her independence. Keep working on it, The Groom. There may come a time when the personal cost will be greater, but it is most often in small things, done regularly and without complaint, that you demonstrate your love through sacrifice.
Others would see no reason to do that. After the wedding, the courtship is over. (May it not be so for you.) Apart from the fact that The Bride is worth the attention, the presence of God in your relationship gives value to the ways you put the needs of the one He has entrusted to you above your own. Make the eagerness you have now at the beginning of your journey, a permanent one. Sacrifice will then become the way to success in your marriage.
Neither submission nor sacrifice is easy to do because both are costly, and both are risky. What makes them worthy is that they mirror Christ's relationship with the church. Emulate that, and you both will find success in a union that is lasting and strong.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church...of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy.... In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.... For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.... Each of you...must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Eph 5:22-26a, 28, 31, 33)As I read this passage, I wondered why Paul instructed the husband to love his wife but not the wife to love her husband. The wife's primary responsibility here is to submit. This emboldens some men, especially those who take literally the saying that "a man's home is his castle," and who think their word should be law. This also rankles some women, especially those who have a sense of independence and who resent anyone telling them what to do, much less a man.
The cultural context may play a part in shaping Paul's remarks. In a time and place when arranged marriages were common, and when an older man may have sought permission from the parents of a much younger woman, he may have been more enamored of her than she was of him. Perhaps that is the situation at Ephesus, and that is why the apostle gives different instructions to the husband than he does to the wife. For whatever reason, though, these admonitions are still relevant.
Paul likens the union of a man and woman in marriage to the union of Christ and the church. He says there are two qualities that should characterize both unions, qualities that should be evident on the physical plane even as they are evident on the spiritual plane. They are submission and sacrifice.
Paul says that...
- A wife should respect her husband...
Most of the decisions that affect your life together, you will make together. They will not and dare not be unilateral. If you decide important matters without consulting your partner, you risk hurting your partner. You also risk making the wrong choice. I cannot count the number of decisions—some large, others small—that Linda and I have made, and have made better...wiser because we made them together. On most matters, you will find common ground easily. If you are not in agreement, that may be an indication you should wait until the matter becomes clearer. Occasionally, though, something will arise about which you do not agree or about which you are uncertain but must still decide. In such a case, that responsibility may fall to The Groom. When it does, that will be an opportunity for you, The Bride, to demonstrate your respect for him through submission.
Others would not be able to do that. For them, surrendering control of their life would entail too great a risk. It is not so with you. Apart from the fact that The Groom may not be given to unilateral decisions, the presence of God in your relationship lends stability even in the midst of uncertainty. If you proceed together carefully and prayerfully, God will keep you from making the wrong decision, Submission will then become the way to success in your marriage.
However difficult Paul's admonition to the woman might appear, his charge to the man is equally challenging.
Paul says that...
- A husband should love his wife...
This is not necessarily taking a bullet for your partner. Rather, it is placing your partner's needs above your own as a matter of course. At the beginning of your relationship, this is easy. In fact, you hardly notice the things you give up or do differently because you are eager to please the other person, which is good. The longer you can maintain that attitude, the better it will be for your marriage.
The time I spend in counseling with couples before the wedding enables me to become better acquainted with both parties. When they come to see me, they know what we will be discussing and, if they have done their homework, they have prepared their answers, which are usually well thought out. In our sessions, I also get a sense of how they interact. What they probably do not realize is that my observations do not end with my closing prayer. For example, one thing I look for when a couple leaves is if the man opens the car door for his fiancée before he gets into the vehicle. The Bride told me that, at the beginning of their relationship together, she would resist his opening a door for her and that she had to work at restraining her independence. Keep working on it, The Groom. There may come a time when the personal cost will be greater, but it is most often in small things, done regularly and without complaint, that you demonstrate your love through sacrifice.
Others would see no reason to do that. After the wedding, the courtship is over. (May it not be so for you.) Apart from the fact that The Bride is worth the attention, the presence of God in your relationship gives value to the ways you put the needs of the one He has entrusted to you above your own. Make the eagerness you have now at the beginning of your journey, a permanent one. Sacrifice will then become the way to success in your marriage.
Neither submission nor sacrifice is easy to do because both are costly, and both are risky. What makes them worthy is that they mirror Christ's relationship with the church. Emulate that, and you both will find success in a union that is lasting and strong.
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Jim Skaggs