Where below "Bride" and "Groom" are indicated Pastor Manuel
inserted the names of the individuals being married.
As I was preparing my remarks, my wife Linda suggested I use that well-known admonition from the Apostle Paul: "Husbands, obey your wives" ( Col 3:19a). Because the subject of obedience in marriage, however, is such a delicate matter these days, it seemed best to use a more neutral text. I decided, instead, on Gen 2:18, the passage where God first establishes this institution. It is a familiar story and, as with the verse from Paul's letter, one my wife quotes with some frequency.
Although I know the passage well, having heard her use it often, I thought it best to check my recollection with the original. To my astonishment, I discovered that Linda had developed her own midrash, her own enhanced version. The difference is not great, but her rendition casts God's reason for marriage in a revealing light. Having made man from the dust of the earth, God looks at the epitome of His creation, shakes His head and, in her paraphrase, says, "Oy, this is not good. I cannot leave this man alone" ( Gen 2:18). Apparently, Linda's own experience has given her some insight into this event.
While not quite what the King James has, Linda's version may be essentially correct, despite the slight embellishment. Put yourself in God's shoes (metaphorically speaking). For several days, you have been creating some impressive stuff—light, seas, plants, stars, birds. At the end of each day, you look at what you have done and, with understandable satisfaction, say, "This is good." On the sixth day, for your final and greatest act, you make man, but when you examine the finished product, you realize, "Oy, this is not good. There is obviously something missing. This guy is not going to be able to make it in the real world without help." Only after you make woman, can you look with pride on the sixth day's labor and say, "Now this is good!" (Gen 1:31a)
Linda has perceived God's primeval dilemma as well as His wise solution. Through the revelation of personal experience, she has comprehended the tragic truth—one that enables her to read between the lines of scripture—that most men do not fare well left to their own devices.
When God says, "It is not good...to be alone," we can assume the opposite must be true, that "It is good to be together." Bride and Groom, you come to this union later than most couples do and with more experience than most couples have. Nevertheless, as you begin this new stage of your life, let me offer three recommendations. You may already have realized their value, but permit me to repeat them—ways to realize that it is Good to Be Together.
These recommendations have in view the three parties in this relationship. Think of it as a series of concentric circles with yourself in the smallest, a larger circle that includes your spouse, and a third, larger still, that includes your sovereign God. Considering first the smallest circle, let me suggest that it is Good to Be Together because...
- It is good for yourself.
We are not naturally altruistic. We do not initially contemplate marriage for the other person's benefit. "I am such a wonderful catch. She is so lucky to have found me. I am doing her such a big favor by marrying her." We might think that but, upon sober reflection, it is more likely that we want to get married because we find the other person attractive—physically, intellectually, emotionally—such that we want to be with that person. We find his or her company enjoyable...most of the time. It is those less-than-enjoyable moments, especially as they intrude on the inner-most circle, that lead me to the first recommendation.
Contrary to popular belief, you do not have the heavy responsibility of pointing out the flaws in your partner's personality—quite the opposite. You have the opportunity of realizing the flaws in your own character as you interact with your partner more closely than you do with anyone else. These flaws usually come to light in times of disagreement or crisis. As you both know, if you do not resolve them, they can tear people apart; but they can also bring people closer and make them both stronger for it.
Some of us become quite adept at concealing our flaws. Our public persona never reveals what we are like in private. Marriage permits no such deception. Sooner or later, all our faults become apparent to our spouse. I had a few rough edges when Linda and I got married, not traits that make a good minister. That resulted in some difficult going early in our relationship as various situations made those rough edges uncomfortably evident. Alone, I might have been able to ignore them. The closeness of another person, however, prevented that but, eventually, with persistent treatment and a generous measure of God's grace, those edges became smoother.
Bride and Groom, you might think that, by this time in your life, all the rough edges that had not worn off would have fallen off. If that is true, you may ignore these remarks. If, however, as you have been making the transition from singleness, one of those rough edges has come to light, consider it an opportunity for spiritual advancement. What you might conceal, if left alone, you must now confront, but success brings godliness, and that is one reason it is Good to Be Together— good for yourself.
Marriage requires expanding the circle of life beyond yourself to include your spouse, a change that brings with it wonderful benefits. No longer do you face difficulties alone. No longer are you dependent upon your own resources alone. Now, you have help, and you can be a help. It is Good to Be Together—because...
- It is good for your spouse.
This leads to my second recommendation.
Some men lack focus and benefit from the clarity of a woman's insight or direction. Other men have focus but lack the basic survival skills necessary to feed and clothe themselves. I will not tell you to which group I belong. (There are other male deficiencies that the women present could identify with little difficulty, I am sure. Because asking for examples could extend this ceremony for several days, I will leave that list undeveloped) I will simply say that I have two culinary specialties: cold cereal, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Could I expand that repertoire? Certainly, if I can learn to read a dead language, I can learn to read a cookbook, but I would rather spend my time in study. Linda's skill in the kitchen allows me to do that, for which I and those who come to dinner are grateful. She also has a sense of style—which tie will go best and what color combinations will not cause people to cringe—an awareness that has probably kept me from some public embarrassment. In such ways, Linda frees me to do the things I can do, and she makes me look good in the process.
Bride and Groom, your strengths and weaknesses, the ways you complement each other, will be different. You have probably discovered some of them already. Whatever they are, exploit them, use them to your mutual advantage. I am not suggesting that you lie for your partner or that you enable your partner to shirk responsibility, for they will only hurt your relationship in the long run. There are, however, helpful distinctives in your abilities and sensibilities, traits that can support and empower each other. Use them to make your partner look good. Moreover, use your knowledge of those strengths and weaknesses to confirm God's leading for your partner. Your testimony can remove the element of doubt, making the difference between hesitation and action. This is another reason it is Good to Be Together— not just good for yourself but good for your spouse.
It would be a most unfortunate and significant loss, were you to expand the circle of life from yourself to include your spouse and stop there. You have taken the additional step of expanding the circle further to include God, and therein lies a third reason it is Good to Be Together...
- It is good for your sovereign.
Here is my third recommendation.
When Linda and I went to the minister who would perform our ceremony, he asked me why I wanted to get married. I thought that was a rather personal question. "Isn't it obvious? Why do most people want to get married? You mean I need a reason apart from my love for her?" I did not say that, but his question caught me off guard. What came out was, "I think we can serve God better together than apart." At 23 years old, having dropped out of college after the first semester, and with no ambition or direction to move beyond the clerical position I then held, serving God seemed an unlikely reason to get married. It sounded pompous...but it was actually prophetic. I had no idea then where God would lead us but, looking back on that journey, I am confident it would have been far less productive without Linda by my side.
Bride and Groom, the unique combination of your abilities will open possibilities for you to do things for the kingdom of God that you would not have attempted alone. You may not know yet what they are; He will make that clear. It may be something you thought of doing but never considered seriously because you lacked some key element, a skill or a spiritual gift that your partner now brings to this union. Whatever lies ahead, your journey will be more productive because it is Good to Be Together—not just good for yourself, not just good for your spouse, but good also for your sovereign God, whom you both serve.
Bride and Groom, as you pledge yourselves to each other, I charge you with these three tasks.
- For yourself: Use the tensions that arise, because God has brought you together, to aid your own sanctification, to help you develop into the kind of person who reflects God's character to those around you.
- For your spouse: Find the ways that you complement each other and use them to make your partner look good.
- For your sovereign: Be conscious of the likelihood that God has brought you together to do something for His kingdom you would not attempt alone.
I pray that God will continue to conform you both to His perfect image, that He will grant you joy in each other's company, that He will make you productive in your service to Him, and that you will find the truth of this biblical principle of marriage, that it is Good to Be Together.
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Jim Skaggs