Where below "Bride" and "Groom" are indicated Pastor Manuel
inserted the names of the individuals being married.
As I was considering which biblical passage would be appropriate to use in this charge to the couple, I wanted something different from what is often part of such occasions—perhaps something from the Book of Deuteronomy, in which Moses charges the Israelites about to enter the Promised Land. They were venturing into unknown territory much as Bride and Groom are. What sage counsel might the venerated leader of God's people give these two? After a careful search, I found in chapter 25 a helpful tip for the bride on their future relationship:
Do not muzzle an ox... (Deut 25:4a).
For the groom, Moses final words might be appropriate for this day:
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified... (Deut 31:6a)
In the end, though, I decided one text applicable to both would be better, so I chose a passage from Canticles, the Song of Solomon, which is, appropriately, a wedding poem.
For centuries, people have wondered why a book of love poetry would be included in the biblical canon. Some suggested that it is an allegory of God's love for Israel or of Christ's love for the Church. More likely, though, is that it serves as a model of human love in a godly relationship. The poem is a series of lyrics in which the bride and groom express their affection for each other. With that in mind, I recommend to you both but a single line, perhaps the most familiar, from this great composition. The bride speaks these words, yet they could easily have come from the groom's lips as well, for they embody the attributes necessary for success and happiness in marriage:
I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine (Song 6:3a).
There is no secret to what we find here, nothing lost for centuries and rediscovered in modern times. Like other books in the Hebrew wisdom tradition, such as Proverbs, what these words espouse is common sense, and I recommend them to you both as you begin your life together. A successful and happy marriage requires two attributes this verse contains: devotion and appreciation.
- Devotion: "I am my beloved's."
When the bride in the poem says this, she is not pledging bondage or subservience to her mate (as is clear from the next phrase). Rather, she is expressing her devotion; her desire and her decision to give all that she is and has to him. As I mentioned before, these words could come just as easily from the groom as from the bride, for marriage is the commitment of two people to each other. The traditional vows declare this devotion in phrases such as "forsaking all others for you alone" and "I pledge thee my troth (my fidelity/loyalty)."
It is easy to say and sometimes even easy to do. Nevertheless, because you are two different people, you will not always agree on matters, as you have probably already discovered. Hence, there will be the temptation to hold back or take back some of yourself from the relationship. You may fear losing your individuality or independence if you give up too much. There is, of course, that possibility. The nature of marriage often requires setting aside personal prerogatives and adjusting personal goals because another person has entered the equation of your life.
It is easy to say and sometimes even easy to do. Nevertheless, because you are two different people, you will not always agree on matters, as you have probably already discovered. Hence, there will be the temptation to hold back or take back some of yourself from the relationship. You may fear losing your individuality or independence if you give up too much. There is, of course, that possibility. The nature of marriage often requires setting aside personal prerogatives and adjusting personal goals because another person has entered the equation of your life.
A married man is concerned about...how he can please his wife... [and] a married woman is concerned about...how she can please her husband. (1 Cor 7:33-34)
In healthy relationships, this concern and surrender is mutual, with each party deferring to the other. To a great extent, though, this is a learned skill, and one that improves only with practice.
Admittedly, the proper balance is not easy to achieve, and as you disagree there will be that temptation to hold your ground and to resist compromise. Such assertiveness may be necessary when a moral issue is at stake, but usually (and almost always in hindsight) the matter is not that significant. Tuck two admonitions in the back of your mind, and let them nag you when you feel the need to fight for your rights.
- First, don't keep score, comparing how often you gave in to your partner's wishes to how infrequently your partner has given in to your wishes. Not only is there a good chance you have miscounted, this approach does not resolve anything. Paul said, love "keeps no record of wrongs" (1 Cor 13:5d), so don't keep score.
- Next, don't go second. That is, do not wait for the other person to go first, thinking that if you just hold on a little longer, your partner will eventually give up and give in. Take the initiative to find common ground. Paul said, love "is not self-seeking" (1 Cor 13:5b), so don't go second.
A good deal of marriage involves compromise, not of your principles but of your preferences. If you apply yourselves diligently, though, maintaining active communication, you will discover that from this process will arise a new set of priorities that represent your life together. It begins with the attribute of devotion, of your being able to say, "I am my beloved's."
- Appreciation: "My beloved is mine."
When the bride in this poem goes on to state this, she does not mean that she somehow possesses the groom, exploiting his devotion to her so she might control or manipulate him (as is clear from the previous phrase). Rather, she is expressing her appreciation, her grateful recognition that she is indeed fortunate to be able to enjoy life with him. Once again, these words could come just as easily from the groom as from the bride.
The Bible stresses the importance of a husband's responsibility in this regard. Paul tells his readers repeatedly that a husband should "love" his wife (Eph 5:25, 28, 33; Col 3:19), which certainly includes appreciation. Yet it is the Book of Proverbs which reminds us that appreciation properly flows in two directions.
- First, thank God for each other. Solomon writes:
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. (Prov 18:22).
Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD (Prov 19:14).
Recognizing the source of your good fortune, that a godly partner is a gift from God, should elicit your gratitude to Him for such a blessing—not just today, but for the rest of your life together. The woman is specifically in view here, probably because at that time the man did most of the searching. In our day, the process is more egalitarian, and the principle works both ways. Your appreciation should be reciprocal: Thank God for each other.
- Second, offer praise to each other. Again, Solomon writes:
A wife of noble character is her husband's crown... (Prov 12:4a).
A wife of noble character....is worth far more than rubies...[and] her husband...praises her (Prov 31:10, 28).
Recognizing the value of God's gift to you, that a godly partner is of inestimable worth, should elicit your praise of her or of him.
Linda and I enjoy the traditional Sabbath liturgy on Friday evenings, which includes my reading of this section from Proverbs on the worthy wife. One verse in particular allows me the opportunity to praise her because it is a quote by the husband to his wife, and I speak it to Linda: "Many women do noble things, but [in my eyes] you surpass them all" (Prov 31:29). Groom, find ways to recognize the value of God's gift to you in Bride.
That is also a principle that works both ways. Your appreciation should be reciprocal: Offer praise to each other.
Marriage is an investment of time, energy, and resources. We often think of the investment in terms of buying a house, pursuing a career, raising a family, and preparing for retirement. Your greatest investment, though, next to your relationship with God, is in your relationship with each other. It grows with the attribute of appreciation, of your being able to say, "My beloved is mine."
Bride and Groom, you have called us to witness and to celebrate the joyous occasion of your marriage. As God wills, you have before you adventures and trials, joys and sorrows; yet with the great prospect of meeting them together. Keep these attributes of devotion and appreciation uppermost in your relationship. Make the words of this poem your own—"I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine"—for they will bring you success and happiness.
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Jim Skaggs